A comma is just a period with a mullet.
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I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My favorite female superhero
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Fidel Castro was alive?
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.