Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
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My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!