[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
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[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
The old gods are rising again.
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.