Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
no one likes gloating
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.