So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks