Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
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I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Trumpy Cat
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
Mmmm canned fish.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.