“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
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I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.