#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.