It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
So glad we cleared that up
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*