“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
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[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
accurate
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”