It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
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Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost