Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…