Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
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Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Tell the colonel to bring it
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Based Erika
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
what does he know…
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes