I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank