Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
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this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
I already tried new things thanks.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Oh no
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.