me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
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I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
I like long walks away from everyone
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours