[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
me refusing to leave twitter
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
I could NOT have put it better myself.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
this is me
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember