Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
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History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”