POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
You Might Also Like
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
What about second breakfast?
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Perfection.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.