“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
PARKOUR
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em