[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Children of the corn 🌽
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me