One venti cheeseburger please.
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“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
peak technology
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.