Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
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I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
pls suprot
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.