parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
The news in a nutshell.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.