Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
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Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves
Navy recruiter: Get out
the answer was staring at me all along
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*