I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
You Might Also Like
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.