I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
This will never not be funny to me.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.