Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
You Might Also Like
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.