Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
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Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
decorating my apartment
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.