I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
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I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?