Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
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I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My love language is hissing.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries