When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
23. the denim jacket
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.