There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
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i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
How it started: How it’s going:
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I triple waxed for this?
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
August 8
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.