Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
You Might Also Like
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
My dog ate my work from home.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”