Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
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A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.