HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
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SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic