*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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me after eating Cheetos
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.