Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
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Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
✌️
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?