North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
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Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
prepare for carbonated trouble
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before