did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.