Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but
Wooooop Wooooop
Rearrearrearrear
Booloo Booloo Booloo
Weeuuuweeuuuweeuuu
Beeep Beeep Beeep Beeep
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
i made a craigslist ad !
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
This is always good for a laugh.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
This pepper has seen some shit
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend