Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
Ah yes. The three genders
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.