Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
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My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂