Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Doug is just Canadian for dog
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color