Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
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Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Ah..makes sense now
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.