I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
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ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
this is the most humiliating day of my life
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining