A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks