When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
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HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse鈥檚 office she now has a medical degree.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I鈥檓 trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I鈥檇 be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
My guess is it鈥檚 either Geppetto鈥檚 workshop or a sperm bank.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Marvel鈥檚 new superhero sounds pretty shit 馃槙馃槙馃槙
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
If at first you don鈥檛 succeed, sweep the leg.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol