“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
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Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Ghost costume 😂
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I think I’ll stand
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods