Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
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just make the entire table out of coaster
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Is this a threat?
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front